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It is not often that I am at a loss for words.

More to the point: I am never at a loss for words. (If you've endured the misfortune of reading any of my other Epinions, this ought be abundantly obvious.) So imagine my shock when paging through this benighted publication in search of a clue I uncovered a temporal distortion in the space-time continuum that, with a deafening roar, vacuumed the very brains and breath clean out of me, so profound was the nothingness that lurked beneath its glossy veneer.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was sucked speechless by US.

It's really quite brilliant. Predicated on the dangerously misinformed notion that "gossip" is a legitimate form of entertainment the subject of which, celebrity, is itself a fiction created by professional illusionists, targeted to readers who justify the existence of both by believing them legitimate--it is intellectually unassailable; annihilating those who try in the explosion that results from combining matter and anti-intellectualism. Now THAT'S impressive.

So, instead of doing it myself, here are some low-brow high-lights of high-brow low-lifes recently featured (June 26, 2000) in the story of US, as told by US devotee, Sushi Boudoir.

How Reading US Magazine Brought Me Closer to God.

"It's way true that reading US made me close to like heaven and God and stuff," admits stripper-turned-aspiring-film-actress Sushi Boudoir, currently the lead in an off-Broadway musical based on the life of Roma Downey. "I would have never gotten this part without it! I mean you can only fake so much, ya know. Like...it's gotta come from inside of you, right?" she says pointing to her bosom, then picking up the magazine.

"It's like, way better than the Bible," she says, pressing it close to her, "Gawd, like, I could never get into all that freaky religious crud anyway."

Sushi opens the magazine and points to dog eared pages with sticky notes containing the word for what each story taught her, "In case, like, I forget," she says. Here's a list of the personal values she believes she learned from this amazing magazine:

Thriftiness: "Jennifer Lopez taught me that its perfectly okay to stay in $5,000-a-night suite if the $3,900 suite that was reserved is yucky and someone else paying for it. She also taught me that when you find a really cool pair of $1,000 pumps, you should get them in all eight colors, because cool shoes are really important."

Devotion: A letter from a reader in Seattle, pointed out how saying hateful things about someone you've never met can be really a good thing, as long as it is in defense of Drew Barrymore, to whom you are eternally devoted and have also never met.

Cleanliness: (You know, as in "close to Godliness.") She learned this from designer Todd Oldham, who, while attending the "Great Chefs and Shamans" fundraising dinner in New York, commented that being near the healers was "like bathing in something special." "Well, hmmm..." Sushi mused, "unless he meant that being near the healers made him need to bathe...then this one wouldn't count."

Sharing: "Jerry Hall taught me that sharing can make you feel good inside, especially if you're sharing something really valuable, like drugs," Sushi continued. In town to model for designer Charlie Brown during Australian Fashion Week, Hall attended an event with Aboriginal tribal leader Goomblar Wylo with whom she shared a ceremonial pipe. "I was covered in goosebumps," Hall said, "it was incredible."

Loving Others: Sushi then pointed to a Christina Aguilera story about what loving others means to her. "My stepdad was so cute," she said. "He was all ready to get on a plane and kick Eminem's (the homophobic rap star she is publicly feuding with) a**. I was like, 'That's OK, Dad, it's all right.' It's good to have support like that." ("That's just so sweet," Sushi whispered, dabbing an imagined tear from her eye.)

Righteousness: "But Eminem taught me something too: that hatred and violence are good things, as long as you only hate or point your gun at people who really deserve it," Sushi said. In defense of his song "Criminal," which promotes hatred of gays, Eminem explained in the article that he wasn't talking about "fags" in particular, but any sissy or coward, "and we all know how gross people like that are, so it made a lot of sense to me," Sushi commented, making a "really gross" face.

Purity: "O.J. Simpson showed me that sleeping with your sister's friends is really, really bad, and can lead to murder," Sushi said very seriously, looking sad, "that was a hard one." In a synopsis of a televised interchange between he and Denise Brown, Simpson stated "[It's] you and Fred Goldman who are...guilty. Everybody knows that Nicole kept her friends from you because you were screwing [them] all." "Omigod, so it was HER after all," Sushi squealed, then sighing happily "I get surprised all over again, everytime I read it..."

"Tell your people who read the stuff you're gonna write about me, I swear on a stack of Bibles every word is true," Sushi told me. "If you don't believe me, you can read it for yourself. You will be a become a better person, for reals!"

Thank you, Sushi, for sharing these special thoughts will all of US. You make the world a more beautiful place.

(Author's Note: Sushi is the only "imagined" part of the previous; every other word is taken directly from this issue.)