Why Was Everyone So Beautiful In Ancient Greece?

Troy (the movie) in 300 words or less( should be read in a Robin Williams' voice):

Achilles (Brad Pitt) is the greatest warrior in all the land. Greek King (Brian Cox) fights Greek Prince, summons Achilles. Nude Achilles (Nude Pitt) woken to fight battle. Fights and wins. Woo-hoo! Greece united! Rebellious Achilles sneers at Big Bad Greek King. He snarls back.

Trojan Prince Paris (Orlando Bloom) steals Spartan King’s (John Schrapnel) wife, Helen (Diane Krueger). Spartan King goes to Greek King – ‘get my wife back’. Greek King creates armada to conquer Troy and take vacation.

On the boat, Paris tells brother Hector (Eric Bana) he stole Spartan King's wife. Hector rages but still sails to Troy, where they tell King Priam (Peter O’Toole). Priam says, “Bad boy – but cute girl. Okay, we’ll keep her." Yea!

Greek CGI fleet shows up – big battle, Battle Achilles™ with Kung-Fu grip wipes out Trojans, but spares Hector. Lots of bodies. Discovers Trojan Priestess, Briseis (Rose Byrne), takes to be slave – Nude Achilles reappears (girls swoon here). Called to Greek King. Rebel Achilles snubs King. King angry – grrr!

Spartan King challenges Paris, Paris fights like girly man, and Hector saves him (again). Battle commences again – Trojan walls foil Greeks. Bad Greeks retreat. Greek King angry again (nothing new here). Trojan sneak attack – lots of dead Greeks. Hector fights Achilles and wins – oops! Seems it wasn’t Achilles … but now Angry Achilles® arrives and demands revenge. Hector vs. Battle Achilles = dead Hector.

More fighting. More dying. Crying Priestess and – of course – Naked Achilles. Fight for Troy fails, Greeks leave. Big gift on the beach – Trojan Pony. Woo-hoo!! We da men! Big party – Greek party-crashers. Hero Achilles© (now with more love!) searches for Trojan Priestess. Troy burns, Priam cries, Paris does Legollas impersonation. Achilles hit in ankle – gets staph infection and dies. Trojans flee.

End war. Begin Trojan legend. Begin legend of Achilles, dude with bum heel. End movie.

[• the MOVIE •]
I went into this new retelling of this epic tale with no pre-set expectations save one - that the story would be Hollywood-ized, and to take it as such. My expectations, therefore, were met and exceeded by Wolfgang Peterson’s version of this classic story, starring Brad Pitt as ACHILLES and Orlando Bloom as PARIS in an obvious attempt to draw in larger audiences.

Wolfgang Peterson does a great job at something I hadn’t expected – combining the mythical telling by Homer, and the more ‘historical’ version that was more likely. He starts by removing the 'supernatural' elements from The Iliad, the parts with the Gods intervening, etc. But he does an excellent job of keeping the Greek's (and Trojan's) very real beliefs in those same gods, and how those beliefs formed their views and methods. This mix of adaptation meets documentary works well for the film, and actually gives it a little boost.

But perfect, it is not. Peterson takes a war that likely lasted almost a decade, and a series of battles that lasted for months, if not years, and condenses it into about a week. There are some liberties taken with some of the elements of the story, including the presentation of the Trojan Horse. But the realism in the battle scenes – including much of the equipment – made these items trivial, assuming you had suspended belief from the start to enjoy the film.

The cinematography is done very well – even most of the CGI is hard to pin down, though the vast armada was obviously computer-generated. But the vistas of some of the lands and the sets created of the ancient cities were excellent. The battles were well choreographed, and convincing for the most part, although some of Achilles swordplay was a little much.

But I have to say that I walked out more impressed than I thought I would be with the way that Peterson put this story to film. It’s not Gladiator or Lord of the Rings, but it’s good.

[• the CAST •]
Certain casting calls were pretty obvious. Pitt and Bloom are huge attractions, and Eric Bana is someone that studio’s probably hope will attract a similar following. Diane Krueger is a beautiful woman, as well, although I don’t think her part will generate the star power that the others have.

Pitt does a capable job in the role of Achilles – he does the naked thing, the reluctant hero thing, and the grand warrior thing very well, pulling off his fighting ability with little or no smug smiles from the Lord of the Ring fans. His attempts to play the tortured soul were a bit lifeless (he did much better in Se7en). I thought Bana did a better job, actually, but his role was an obvious subordinate, so there wasn’t as much material to work from.

Orlando Bloom played the knave about as good as could be expected, although I found his role a bit forced. After playing a heroic elf, it had to be a bit of a let-down to be a squirrelly boy forced to be a warrior for his love, when he would obviously much rather suck down grapes from her fingers. His LOTR companion, Sean Bean (Boromir in LOTR, Odysseus in Troy) does a decent job, although his character should have been much older in the story.

Rose Byrne was better than Krueger in the film, alternating between understanding the troubled Achilles and wanting to do her duty (at least to her city, since this vestal virgin jumped into the sack with the enemy). Peter O’Toole played a bit of a weak Priam, although he obviously knows the role, having played similar characters many times. On the other end of the spectrum, Brian Cox’s Agamemnon, King of the Greeks, was over-acted at almost every turn. But as a whole, I enjoyed the movie, even if it wasn’t the best acted film of the year (hey, not every movie can be Shrek!)

[• final THOUGHTS •]
I enjoyed Troy thoroughly. It wasn’t the standout classic that some other period pieces have been, but it filled a niche and did it well. Divergences from the Iliad aside, I thought the director did a competent job of bringing it to screen, complete with the blood and guts that this war would have seen.

Finally, the story of Trojan Jackrabbit … oh wait, HORSE … has been told, and done in a fine fashion. As the film faded, and Achilles body is fed to the fire to be carried to the Gods, I smiled – and then suddenly realized that one of the long-time questions of film had finally been answered. Now we FINALLY know where Joe Black came from.
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