Presto-Chango, My Daughter LISTENS to Me!

When I bought this book, I was at my wits end with my almost 3 year old's behavior. She didn't listen, threw tantrums in public places, and worst of all, when she would get her hands on something she wasn't supposed to have, she'd run away with it and put it in her mouth.

I had been leery of disciplining her too harshly, since the behavior problems began to intensify after her twin baby sisters were born in May; however, something had to be done. I felt like I couldn't take her out in public, yet I didn't want to be "trapped" at home with her. Yelling didn't work. She'd ignore me completely, and I could tell that she was hearing my words as "Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa," like the teacher on the old Charlie Brown cartoons. Time outs didn't work. Threats of spanking didn't even work. Meanwhile, every day our home seemed more and more like a battleground.

The day my copy of Thomas W. Phelan's 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 arrived in the mail, I read the first 14 chapters in one sitting. The first half of the book discusses "stop behaviors," such as arguing, fighting, screaming, and pretty much any other behavior that the parents want the child to discontinue. The other half discusses "start behaviors" which include eating, cleaning up, doing homework, getting out the door on time in the morning, and anything else the parents want the kids to do without a hassle.

Phelan contends that the most parents falsely assume that children think like "little adults," meaning that they understand the logic in a request and will appreciate a parent's suggestion. In reality, the parents who attempt to appeal to their kids with words and reason fail, and the situation may deteriorate into the "Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-Hit syndrome."

The key to 1-2-3 Magic is "No Talking and No Emotion. When the child (or children) misbehave, the parent is supposed to say calmly, without emotion "That's one." If the child doesn't stop, the parent is to say "That's two." If the child persists, the parent says "That's three. Take five." The child is supposed to retreat to their room or another designated safe place for an age-appropriate amount of time (1 minute per year of age.) Especially serious or dangerous offenses merit an automatic three.

For "start behaviors," Phelan only recommends the counting method if the desired task or behavior takes two minutes or less to complete. For other tasks, he offers six tools: casual positive verbal enforcement, kitchen timers to challenge the child to begin or complete a task, docking allowance money or privileges as a penalty, allowing the child to endure the natural consequences of an action, making a chart to reinforce a new behavior, and using a variation of the counting method.

The book gives many examples of how 1-2-3 can be applied to different types of obnoxious behavior, including how to apply the techniques for different age levels. It also describes how teachers and daycare providers can use 1-2-3 to maintain control in their classrooms.

But the best part of 1-2-3 is that I can see a major difference in my daughter's behavior in just 5 days. Usually, when she misbehaves, I only have to count to 2 before she stops doing the bad or obnoxious thing. The time outs are becoming fewer and further in between, and she's even had fewer potty accidents, even though that wasn't an issue I was addressing with 1-2-3 Magic.

It's definitely the 1-2-3 Magic technique which has brought about the change in her behavior. My husband has not had time to read the book yet, but has been following my lead with counting and time outs most of the time. When he forgets and lectures her or yells, she continues misbehaving until I call out "That's one."